Diary of a Black Sheep Entry #1

I’ve decided to try yet another segment to this blog, this one is a bit more personal; the other segments are about things I like an style, but this is me thinking. I hope you like this part, I’m pretty excited about it myself.

 

In my life I’ve been going through a lot of changes and I’ve realized I’ve come to a pretty large turning point in my life. One of the main things is that I’m ready to start over. Starting over is scary, it’s a little intimidating, and it feels kind of empty. However I’m choosing for that “emptiness” to not really be empty, it’s just room for more possibilities.

I went through this in a more tangible sense when I started going through all my belongings. Let’s say I started with a whole bunch of clutter…but as I’m writing this to you I’m sitting on a meditation rug (dog in lap) with my laptop setting on top of one of those crates you get from Michael’s.

No, I am not a minimalist.

However, I learned from some of them ( one of my favorites being The Mustards: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC3lTRet0C4sEfeNiiZwwlYw/featured). I decided that I only want what I really like, what goes with what I already have, and what I can actually use.

I started by taking everything out of the room and putting it in the garage….this helps if at first you struggle getting rid of things, as time has gone on I am telling you it’s addicting. Weird, I know. You make the space look exactly how you want it, for me this was making everything coordinate, some plants, and some candles. Leave it for a few days. Take some time to really appreciate the space that you made and ask yourself if you really want to lug all that crap out of the garage and ruin this haven you’ve made yourself? For me the answer was many trips to Goodwill and a bunch of things in the trash.  Honestly though, it’s now a space I enjoy infinitely more and it makes me feel so calm.

You can say this was just me redecorating, but I see it as myself getting ready for a new chapter. I found myself going through my belonging and inevitably I ran across things from old relationships: family, friends, that-one-guy-I-dated-and -hated, ect. I got rid of almost all of it. Many of my past relationships have not gone well and for a long time I wanted to somehow fix or re-create my past.

Until I reached this fork in the road, I realized a lot has happened in those relationships that is really painful and they really can’t be fixed. Deep down I don’t even want to fix them, I just thought that that was the right thing to do. I’m not saying to just give up on your relationships and don’t just blame other people, you have to be willing to look at/and work on yourself, but sometimes the answer is to walk away. And that looks a whole lot like emptiness. It’s scary. Sometimes I feel like a failure, like I’m bad at relationships and no one else will want to come into my life.

These insecure voices are lying. I may not have a lot of relationships, but the ones I do have are so much better and healthier than where I came from. I’m actually excited to work on them and let them grow and I’ve been working on meeting more people and getting out there and you know what….it’s been great. My advice for those that have had the same insecurities and fears, really don’t. Join interests groups, there’s tons on Meetup, or LWA (see previous post), take a trip on your own (see future post).

I’m learning that as I let go of the toxic things in my life, for one my bad relationship with my family, I’m more open to new relationships. Before I had been trying to make dead relationships work until one day (with the help of counselling) I realized I didn’t even want to go back to the way things had been, and so I stopped.

Now I actually want to go and meet other people and build healthier relationships where we help each other grow. I know that there’s better relationships and people that will like me out there. I Sure, I’ve been heartbroken and it really hurt to walk away, but looking at it now all this emptiness is filled with so much more opportunity than I have ever had before and I can’t wait.