Diary of a Black Sheep Entry #1

I’ve decided to try yet another segment to this blog, this one is a bit more personal; the other segments are about things I like an style, but this is me thinking. I hope you like this part, I’m pretty excited about it myself.

 

In my life I’ve been going through a lot of changes and I’ve realized I’ve come to a pretty large turning point in my life. One of the main things is that I’m ready to start over. Starting over is scary, it’s a little intimidating, and it feels kind of empty. However I’m choosing for that “emptiness” to not really be empty, it’s just room for more possibilities.

I went through this in a more tangible sense when I started going through all my belongings. Let’s say I started with a whole bunch of clutter…but as I’m writing this to you I’m sitting on a meditation rug (dog in lap) with my laptop setting on top of one of those crates you get from Michael’s.

No, I am not a minimalist.

However, I learned from some of them ( one of my favorites being The Mustards: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC3lTRet0C4sEfeNiiZwwlYw/featured). I decided that I only want what I really like, what goes with what I already have, and what I can actually use.

I started by taking everything out of the room and putting it in the garage….this helps if at first you struggle getting rid of things, as time has gone on I am telling you it’s addicting. Weird, I know. You make the space look exactly how you want it, for me this was making everything coordinate, some plants, and some candles. Leave it for a few days. Take some time to really appreciate the space that you made and ask yourself if you really want to lug all that crap out of the garage and ruin this haven you’ve made yourself? For me the answer was many trips to Goodwill and a bunch of things in the trash.  Honestly though, it’s now a space I enjoy infinitely more and it makes me feel so calm.

You can say this was just me redecorating, but I see it as myself getting ready for a new chapter. I found myself going through my belonging and inevitably I ran across things from old relationships: family, friends, that-one-guy-I-dated-and -hated, ect. I got rid of almost all of it. Many of my past relationships have not gone well and for a long time I wanted to somehow fix or re-create my past.

Until I reached this fork in the road, I realized a lot has happened in those relationships that is really painful and they really can’t be fixed. Deep down I don’t even want to fix them, I just thought that that was the right thing to do. I’m not saying to just give up on your relationships and don’t just blame other people, you have to be willing to look at/and work on yourself, but sometimes the answer is to walk away. And that looks a whole lot like emptiness. It’s scary. Sometimes I feel like a failure, like I’m bad at relationships and no one else will want to come into my life.

These insecure voices are lying. I may not have a lot of relationships, but the ones I do have are so much better and healthier than where I came from. I’m actually excited to work on them and let them grow and I’ve been working on meeting more people and getting out there and you know what….it’s been great. My advice for those that have had the same insecurities and fears, really don’t. Join interests groups, there’s tons on Meetup, or LWA (see previous post), take a trip on your own (see future post).

I’m learning that as I let go of the toxic things in my life, for one my bad relationship with my family, I’m more open to new relationships. Before I had been trying to make dead relationships work until one day (with the help of counselling) I realized I didn’t even want to go back to the way things had been, and so I stopped.

Now I actually want to go and meet other people and build healthier relationships where we help each other grow. I know that there’s better relationships and people that will like me out there. I Sure, I’ve been heartbroken and it really hurt to walk away, but looking at it now all this emptiness is filled with so much more opportunity than I have ever had before and I can’t wait.

Fun Finds #1: Letter Writers Alliance

I used to love writing letters and notes to my friends (Nerd level +500 points and I said it on the Internet +50). Passing notes was my favorite part of middle school/beginning of high school. I even convinced my friends to pass around a notebook that we would write to each other in (Very much inspired by Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants) and in college I would write to one of my friends until we started taking classes together. I really started missing it a few months ago and so I took to the Internet (like any other millennial).

And then I found it…Letter Writers Alliance (https://www.letterwriters.org/), they were mentioned in several articles that listed letter-writing clubs. Unfortunately, many of these articles were years old, the links didn’t work, some of the clubs are disbanded, but I went down the lists until I found these guys. Lifetime membership with them is $5.00 (6 with tax) and then they join you to other letter-writing-loving peeps with other similar interests.

How it works is that after you sign up you get assigned to someone that you write to first and someone is also assigned to write to you first. LWA does their best to match you with people of a similar age/interests and you can sign up for as many as you want.

So far I have four, 3 national and 1 international. Everyone I have met so far has been really cool and I’m really excited to get to know them more.

Before signing up with them I did go ahead and open a PO Box….I’m paranoid…sorry. Which I actually find kind of fun (nerd level +5000 points) because I wait until the end of my work day and I look forward to it…leave it to me to make going to the post office feel like a special occasion!

I’m really thankful to the founders of LWA, they obviously work hard for a minimum fee and they gave me a way to continue doing something I love while meeting some cool peeps! Check it out 🙂

Happy Writing

 

Nerd Level By End of this Post : 5550 points 😉

 

Book Review #1 The Complete Stories by Franz Kafka

I remember my first introduction to Kafka, I was a senior in high school and had to read Metamorphosis which was weird, uncomfortable, and really dark. More than anything though, it was unique and utterly unforgettable.

During an adventure I took to Charleston, South Carolina (more on that later), I picked up his Complete Stories at the College of Charleston’s Barnes and Noble.

After one month, I finally finished it and my first thought was: “My head hurts.” I was spinning. His stories had a similar quality to James Joyce’s Dubliners (another must read in my opinion) in that they are all fast paced and some just seem to have abrupt endings with no real sense of closure. Kafka, however is able to make you feel the anxiety and racing thoughts he must have had. His stories have moments where they are really incoherent, ideas seem to run across the page, some lead to another, some don’t seem to lead to anything. Why read it then? Because he is able to let you into his mind and see his reality. Sure it isn’t probably isn’t yours and it isn’t mine, but he is able to show you around his world and make you feel what he felt and in this sense, I think he is a very gifted writer.

Would I suggest this as a casual tea-sipping Saturday read? Absolutely not. Nor do I think it is a good introductory piece into literature (maybe The Metamorphosis, A Country Doctor, and Investigations of a Dog are the exceptions). However, I would suggest it to the intermediate-advanced nerd (nerd is a loving term here). Especially if you like psychology (you can psychoanalyze Kafka for DAYS) and if you already have some experience reading drier material…Like Bram Stoker’s Dracula or Plato’s Republic.

 

Happy Reading!