Diary of a Black Sheep 2

Today’s post is something a lot more personal than I normally have done, but I thought that this was important. I hope it helps someone and I think it will help me by putting it out there.

 I’m debating whether or not to write these in a mini-series or to just tell the story…it all depends on how I feel when I’m writing and whether or not I’m ready to share. I feel that over the last 5 years I’ve really done some growing and some learning and I think it’s about time I share some of that knowledge.

I’ve been in college awhile and I’m set to graduate this semester and so I’ve been reflecting on this journey as I’m looking toward my future and a brand new start I’ve been working my ass off to have.

  The summer before I started school my parents divorced and it was really, really messy. Unnecessarily so. I won’t go into all the details of it because I really want to focus on the impact on the kids of these parents. I ended up separating from my dad for a lot of reasons, but mainly because he told me to go. Later on I realized that I don’t want a relationship with him and thus I ended up losing that side of my family and later still and a lot more recently I’ve decided to separate from my other side of the family as well.

 Now I’m sure whoever is reading this is wondering what all happened and how can it be that it’s everyone else and not me; the numbers are certainly in their favor. For a long time I actually would have agreed with you. I really did think it was me. And I had a lot of guilt and fear of doing something really wrong and really hurtful to a lot of people. It’s taken a lot of introspection, a lot of counselling, and a new found love of change to realize I really did make the best decision for me. This is how I know:

  For one, there was this sense of over-whelming freedom. I felt for the first time I really could do whatever I wanted and it was ok. I mean even things like travelling which my family before was really against, or getting an ear piercing or wanting to move away or even study science. All these things that I really wanted I couldn’t say I wanted out loud. I didn’t realize it then, but I realize it now, anyone that makes you walk such a fine line that you can’t even express yourself/ your desires is only giving you conditional love and in the end, it simply isn’t enough. You will always feel imperfect, you will always feel wrong, and it will twist your mind until you think that this is what you deserve and the only thing you will ever have. I still have some of these hang ups, I still feel like I’m not going to find someone that treats me really well. My first course of action though was to make room. I walked away from overpowering relationships and the ones that made me feel so inadequate. For those I didn’t altogether end, I built some walls and created some distance. This on paper seems really simple, but it hurts and it really stings in the moment. If it’s something you ever go through you are going to feel so vulnerable and broken and on the edge. However, it does really get better and it will in the right time. I did this and then looked at any friendships that I had that I could “grow.” What relationships did I have that were with healthy, positive people, that really cared about me? I looked and I found one, one really solid friend. It was enough of a start. I made a point of communicating more with this person and really letting them know what I wanted and you know, they wanted something similar and we started working on our relationship and it has been one of the most precious and important events in my life, really. Later on, I met someone else and they also are looking for relationships like I am, and we also forged a relationship and I feel like I have the healthiest most accepting and rewarding relationships I have ever had. We respect each other, we aren’t afraid to disagree, and we are not afraid to share our experiences or what we a really feeling. This will happen for you to, but you have to be really honest with yourself and these people. These are not easy people to find, but they are there. Be careful who you choose and take it slow, these relationships have a natural way of happening and progressing and they are the most rewarding you will have.

For two, I’ve learned a whole hell of a lot about manipulation and it’s scary how many manipulators I had in my life at one point. This is something therapy and my friends have really helped me with. Growing up I was manipulated with guilt and fear; if I said the wrong thing or someone had a bad day it would mean part of the house being destroyed, something broken, a wall needing to be patched, etc. If I said no to something or I did something they disagreed with I would be commenting an act of betrayal or the biggest offense for even the smallest of things. When my parents divorced there was a lot of lying, gas lighting and guilt. And then even later I had someone who was supposed to be a mentor start grooming me by guilt, through my education and job, and later absolute fear. Fortunately I got out of these relationships, but they still affect me today. My greatest fear and part of what got me into counselling was that I would never have healthy relationships and I wouldn’t be able to ever trust anyone again. I slowly realizing that this isn’t true, but in order to come to healthy place you have to leave these situations completely. You don’t just walk away, you purge. A complete separation and when you’re ready, you face them and deal with them so you really can start anew. I’m in the second to last phase and I’m looking forward to moving on now. I’m confident in my decisions and I’m working on my confidence in myself.

 For three, I understand that I have a lot of value as a person. My family has done some undeniably shitty things. I deserve the biggest apology they could ever give and I deserve respect. I haven’t received either of these, really ever and so I moved on. I’m not someone you can walk over or spit on and it be ok. The price of this is me and I’m simply not going to accept being treated this way. The beauty of adulthood is that now I get to choose. We are all adults at some point and we have the responsibility to be loving and respectful to those in our lives, we also have the responsibility to trim dead vines and take out the trash. Having dead things in our lives only takes up space for things that could really thrive in their place. To use a cheesy metaphor, let’s use a river. All pollution does is make weeds grow until the point the water can’t even run it just stagnates and becomes something terrible as well. I’m actually watching this happen with my siblings now and it is so sad. I’ve heard them say how unhappy they were in the same relationships and yet now? They are perpetuating more of the same and it is such a waste. Maybe if they had gotten out things could be different, but what you surround yourself will influence you and the people you choose are so, so important.

  I think I have ranted enough for one post, but I hope reading this has helped you in some way, it has helped me to share. Until next time!

You May Ask Me

You may ask me, dear, if I want to grow old with you,
and my answer would honestly be no.

I don’t wish to love you with an aging love,
or to look at you with eyes weary with time.

I want to love you with a love that keeps us young
no matter what age we become.

I want to love you with a love that grows stronger with passing time.

And to see you with so much love in my eyes
that you never grow old.

So no, my dear, I don’t want to grow in age with you.
But I’ll always grow in love with you.

-s.g.

Monsieur Einstein

Here you are at last,

        your words scrawled across the page,
           my long lost friend.
    For so long you seemed so unreachable,
          at a height I just couldn’t comprehend.
   These theories and thoughts of yours, seemingly without end.
I had to see you from further down the road
    Where my imagination could unfold
        and my imagination could explode.
   Yet here we are, at different points in time.
  But if time is simultaneous, my friend,
       Does that not mean you are mine?
   Could it be you are next to me,
      by some stretch of our universe?
Maybe that’s why you feel so close.
     Oh what I’d give to ask you such questions
What might be your thoughts and intentions?
   But alas, my old friend, here you are with me on every page!
With every question you raise
    You propel this journey through an age
        What you’ve instilled, always will pursue.
                    These  questions leadeth on,
                  from a man whose imagination flew!
-s.g.

Always

Always.

  There’s just something about that word.
            can send chills down my spine,
                Like no other I’ve ever heard.
      I fear its finality,
         The way it can sound like a cold clank,
               like a jail cell slamming shut.
               Caging me in….for always.
     Other times, I bask in its comfort
          It’s the soft thud of a door,
            shutting out the cold outside.
               Inviting you to sit by the fire.
                And feel at peace…for always.
    Sometimes it means to be gone forever
         The ending of a story
            The closing of a book.
               Never again to have another look.
  But sometimes, it means Always with you.
            You who make always seem like home
               Without you I couldn’t comprehend what that could be
     That always could mean finally being set free.
-s.g.

 

Distance

It’s such a small world until you’re looking for someone specific.

               Making Time Square with all her crowds
                    seem like an emptiness
                             as vast as the universe itself.
           An arm’s length away feels like the farthest distance
              when you’re wanting them to reach out to you
                            to even brush your hand.
           Talking can be so easy, until it comes down to three words
                         How they stick in your throat
                            And hang in your mind.
            And how much they can weigh down a simple
                                            “Hello.”
      It seems like such a small world until I’m reaching for you.
    -s.g

But Life Went On

I sat down to write you a line,

But life went on.

 

Now you seem so unreal to me

a ghost flitting through my past,

in my heart,

in my mind.

 

You have this strange way of returning to me

It’s odd to think I don’t know you anymore

My dearest friend.

I’d hoped to see you again,

Go through life together,

But life went on.

 

Time turned the pages so fast our stories couldn’t stay in line,

But now and again I think of you

and it’s like you never left.

 

I remember those days sitting beside you

how no one understood me like you

our inside jokes, unbridled laughter.

What a friendship to miss.

But life went on.

 

We parted ways

Said out silent goodbyes

And I still can’t completely let you go.

 

But life will go on, it can’t sit still.

It hasn’t been the same without you

and it never will.

 

I’m sure you’ve gone on,

There’s much to do.

 

And some days, I’m sure you’ve forgotten me until,

I remember those days we used to fight….for fun!

 

The agreements we made,

How I understood you more than anyone,

Maybe that’s what scared you.

 

That trick you played to get my number,

How I pretended to fall for it.

 

And I realize I may be as much a part of you as you are of me

even as life goes on.

*also on WritersCafe.com http://www.writerscafe.org/manage/edit/1940296/*

-s.g.

DIY Jewelry Organization Part I

Today I wanted to bring you a really easy diy jewelry organizer. All you will need is a shadow box, some cork or soft Styrofoam, burlap fabric, lace or border of your choosing, and hot glue.

First and foremost, take out the front glass piece of your shadow box. Mine also had a divider in it, which I also took out and am saving for a later project.

Next you will take your cork board or Styrofoam (either you can get at Michael’s) wrapping it in your burlap fabric and gluing it with hot glue. You need this step if the backing of your shadow box is to rigid…no one wants bent earring posts!!!

**The burlap may not be necessary if you like the cork look, however what I bought was probably not the best and it crumbled, the fabric helps with this!**

Next I hot glued this piece onto the back of my shadow box and it should look like so.

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hot glue all along the perimeter of the square, don’t worry if it looks crazy, that’s what our lace/border is for!

Also make sure that you hot glue the back piece of your shadow box in place to keep the organizer sturdy.20171224_154517508609755.jpg

If you feel you have used too much hot glue…you haven’t….you are following these instructions perfectly 🙂

Next, I cut my lace to fit the inside of the shadow box and glued it. Here I have lied to you. You can use hot glue for this part, but I actually used E600 because it’s clear. It also has a strong smell, so be ready for that if you use it. Be in a well-ventilated area and maybe leave the piece in the garage over night so that it doesn’t make your room smell.

In the end, you’ll get something like this:20171224_1544171128097321.jpg

Make sure all glue is dry before you put your jewelry in here. You can also use this for necklaces if you use push pins to hang them on. I also wouldn’t limit yourself to just shadow boxes, I think a baroque picture frame would work even better with this!

Hope you like this idea and thanks for checking it out!

 

Cheers!

Dog Friendly Planting in a Small Space

I don’t think that it’s any secret that incorporating plants in to your decor is relaxing. In my new design scheme I was inspired by the minimalist style ( and probably because I am a millennial) I was like, “I need some succulents!”

However, my first roundabout with succulents did not go well at all….I killed all of them even though I.TRIED.SO. HARD. That was really the problem though. I decided to try one more time before giving up and trying fakes

. I haven’t watered the ones I have since I got them and it’s been about 2 months. I keep checking them to see if they look withered or otherwise in distress, but they look great. So, for everyone venturing into this new territory. Just DON’T TOUCH THEM.

Now on to the design idea. I love window decorations, window seats for reading, and flower boxes. Unfortunately, we rent so flower boxes or any built ins are a no go, so I decided to incorporate plants onto my windowsill. I loved the way it looked, but I got really nervous about my Chihuahua getting into them, thus my solution: hanging plants.

 I have to say, I love the way this looks and it’s super easy.

All you need to do is head to Lowe’s or some other plant store to pick up your succulents, I chose to not even take them out of their original potting and instead just poked holes in the plastic. 20171224_1543211381265799.jpg

You can see some of my trials and errors in this (I had a mini hole punch, get a regular one!!). I poked about 4 holes into each pot and threaded four separate pieces of cord through them and knotting them together at the top. I left enough slack so that I could tie another loop at the top, but I don’t think it’s really necessary.

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I used Christmas hooks to hang them onto my curtain rod. Just be careful to not put too much weight!  Add a few more accent pieces, and you are done, my friend!

*I also chose to add an orchid that I previously had outside, again, just make sure it’s not adding to much weight. I found that orchids and succulents are perfect for this design, but some other more “leafy” if I can describe them that way were not too happy. Maybe ferns could be an exception?

Glam Goth Decor Bathroom Addition

As I’ve talked about before I’ve been redoing my space. My favorite has been updating my bed room…I swear it’s almost done, just a few more paychecks and pieces to go 😉

What I have found to be an actual challenge is: How does someone make a glam/goth/minmalistish bathroom? Is this impossible? Let’s do it.

First I wanted to show you the fanciest piece.20171118_162604.jpg20171118_162612.jpg20171118_162617.jpg

To achieve this all you need is :

1 mirror, I chose an octagon shape from Michael’s for $5-6.

1 skull shaped cup/jar I also got this from Michael’s, but you could get a skull shaped mason jar off of Amazon or Ebay and it would work just as well

2 boxes of the fake diamond fill (also from Michael’s) $5

1 rhinestone soap dispenser, I got mine from HomeGoods, but I’ve seen them at Bed, Bath and Beyond

1 black soap dispenser, this one is from Target and I use it for lotion 🙂

and the optional hand held mirror that I’ve had a long time and just repainted. Also, my all-black makeup brushes are also from Target and are Elf brand 😀 Personally, I love the eye shadow blender blush and the eyebrow one!!