Diary of a Black Sheep Entry #1

I’ve decided to try yet another segment to this blog, this one is a bit more personal; the other segments are about things I like an style, but this is me thinking. I hope you like this part, I’m pretty excited about it myself.

In my life I’ve been going through a lot of changes and I’ve realized I’ve come to a pretty large turning point in my life. One of the main things is that I’m ready to start over. Starting over is scary, it’s a little intimidating, and it feels kind of empty. However I’m choosing for that “emptiness” to not really be empty, it’s just room for more possibilities.

I went through this in a more tangible sense when I started going through all my belongings. Let’s say I started with a whole bunch of clutter…but as I’m writing this to you I’m sitting on a meditation rug (dog in lap) with my laptop setting on top of one of those crates you get from Michael’s.

No, I am not a minimalist.

However, I learned from some of them ( one of my favorites being The Mustards: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC3lTRet0C4sEfeNiiZwwlYw/featured). I decided that I only want what I really like, what goes with what I already have, and what I can actually use.

I started by taking everything out of the room and putting it in the garage….this helps if at first you struggle getting rid of things, as time has gone on I am telling you it’s addicting. Weird, I know. You make the space look exactly how you want it, for me this was making everything coordinate, some plants, and some candles. Leave it for a few days. Take some time to really appreciate the space that you made and ask yourself if you really want to lug all that crap out of the garage and ruin this haven you’ve made yourself? For me the answer was many trips to Goodwill and a bunch of things in the trash. Honestly though, it’s now a space I enjoy infinitely more and it makes me feel so calm.

You can say this was just me redecorating, but I see it as myself getting ready for a new chapter. I found myself going through my belonging and inevitably I ran across things from old relationships: family, friends, that-one-guy-I-dated-and -hated, ect. I got rid of almost all of it. Many of my past relationships have not gone well and for a long time I wanted to somehow fix or re-create my past.

Until I reached this fork in the road, I realized a lot has happened in those relationships that is really painful and they really can’t be fixed. Deep down I don’t even want to fix them, I just thought that that was the right thing to do. I’m not saying to just give up on your relationships and don’t just blame other people, you have to be willing to look at/and work on yourself, but sometimes the answer is to walk away. And that looks a whole lot like emptiness. It’s scary. Sometimes I feel like a failure, like I’m bad at relationships and no one else will want to come into my life.

These insecure voices are lying. I may not have a lot of relationships, but the ones I do have are so much better and healthier than where I came from. I’m actually excited to work on them and let them grow and I’ve been working on meeting more people and getting out there and you know what….it’s been great. My advice for those that have had the same insecurities and fears, really don’t. Join interests groups, there’s tons on Meetup, or LWA (see previous post), take a trip on your own (see future post).

I’m learning that as I let go of the toxic things in my life, for one my bad relationship with my family, I’m more open to new relationships. Before I had been trying to make dead relationships work until one day (with the help of counselling) I realized I didn’t even want to go back to the way things had been, and so I stopped.

Now I actually want to go and meet other people and build healthier relationships where we help each other grow. I know that there’s better relationships and people that will like me out there. I Sure, I’ve been heartbroken and it really hurt to walk away, but looking at it now all this emptiness is filled with so much more opportunity than I have ever had before and I can’t wait.

Diary of a Black Sheep Part 2

I can’t believe it’s been so long between my posts! Time has been flying by so fast this year.

I wanted this entry to be about something that’s been on my mind the past few days and it has to do with how we value other people’s feelings compared to out own. I think we all know about narcissism and have either had to come to terms with our own self-centered ways or been subjected to someone else’s.

Today though is the flip side of the coin where we have people in our lives that we are trying to keep “happy,” but when did their happiness become more important than our own? Isn’t a healthy relationship a give and take and both people should be allowed their own happiness?

This came up in a conversation recently with a family member and it didn’t have the warm and fuzzy response that I was hoping for. Luckily, or unluckily depending on how you look at it, I have already had some experience with this with other family members. The term “black sheep” for me is oddly fitting in more ways than one 😉

What I’m learning through this process though is that my happiness and how I feel is just as important as anyone else’s in my life. What I think of something and my opinion is equal weight to there’s and is actually more important when it comes to my decisions.

I’ve decided that in my life I am going to be much more honest about how I really feel and how I really see my relationships; because that, to me, is what real relationships are. That may mean that other people around me disagree with my choices or that they don’t acknowledge me or that they acknowledge the problem, but refuse to change. As painful as that can be, I am at the point in my life where I am no longer accepting second-best relationships, I am willing to put the work into those that I have, but only if I can be met halfway as well.

What I think I’ve taken away from this experience is that you really need to learn and uphold your self-worth in relationships. It does not matter if these are friendships, family members, work, or romantic. You are worth hearing, You are worth working with. You are worth loving. There’s a time to put energy into a relationship and self reflection, we can always improve our selves, but there is also a time to acknowledge where you are in your life and relationships and decide you want something more or you want something different.

 

Monsieur Einstein

Here you are at last,

        your words scrawled across the page,
           my long lost friend.
    For so long you seemed so unreachable,
          at a height I just couldn’t comprehend.
   These theories and thoughts of yours, seemingly without end.
I had to see you from further down the road
    Where my imagination could unfold
        and my imagination could explode.
   Yet here we are, at different points in time.
  But if time is simultaneous, my friend,
       Does that not mean you are mine?
   Could it be you are next to me,
      by some stretch of our universe?
Maybe that’s why you feel so close.
     Oh what I’d give to ask you such questions
What might be your thoughts and intentions?
   But alas, my old friend, here you are with me on every page!
With every question you raise
    You propel this journey through an age
        What you’ve instilled, always will pursue.
                    These  questions leadeth on,
                  from a man whose imagination flew!
-s.g.

Always

Always.

  There’s just something about that word.
            can send chills down my spine,
                Like no other I’ve ever heard.
      I fear its finality,
         The way it can sound like a cold clank,
               like a jail cell slamming shut.
               Caging me in….for always.
     Other times, I bask in its comfort
          It’s the soft thud of a door,
            shutting out the cold outside.
               Inviting you to sit by the fire.
                And feel at peace…for always.
    Sometimes it means to be gone forever
         The ending of a story
            The closing of a book.
               Never again to have another look.
  But sometimes, it means Always with you.
            You who make always seem like home
               Without you I couldn’t comprehend what that could be
     That always could mean finally being set free.
-s.g.

 

You May Ask Me

You may ask me, dear, if I want to grow old with you,
and my answer would honestly be no.

I don’t wish to love you with an aging love,
or to look at you with eyes weary with time.

I want to love you with a love that keeps us young
no matter what age we become.

I want to love you with a love that grows stronger with passing time.

And to see you with so much love in my eyes
that you never grow old.

So no, my dear, I don’t want to grow in age with you.
But I’ll always grow in love with you.

-s.g.

Diary of a Black Sheep 2

Today’s post is something a lot more personal than I normally have done, but I thought that this was important. I hope it helps someone and I think it will help me by putting it out there.

 I’m debating whether or not to write these in a mini-series or to just tell the story…it all depends on how I feel when I’m writing and whether or not I’m ready to share. I feel that over the last 5 years I’ve really done some growing and some learning and I think it’s about time I share some of that knowledge.

I’ve been in college awhile and I’m set to graduate this semester and so I’ve been reflecting on this journey as I’m looking toward my future and a brand new start I’ve been working my ass off to have.

  The summer before I started school my parents divorced and it was really, really messy. Unnecessarily so. I won’t go into all the details of it because I really want to focus on the impact on the kids of these parents. I ended up separating from my dad for a lot of reasons, but mainly because he told me to go. Later on I realized that I don’t want a relationship with him and thus I ended up losing that side of my family and later still and a lot more recently I’ve decided to separate from my other side of the family as well.

 Now I’m sure whoever is reading this is wondering what all happened and how can it be that it’s everyone else and not me; the numbers are certainly in their favor. For a long time I actually would have agreed with you. I really did think it was me. And I had a lot of guilt and fear of doing something really wrong and really hurtful to a lot of people. It’s taken a lot of introspection, a lot of counselling, and a new found love of change to realize I really did make the best decision for me. This is how I know:

  For one, there was this sense of over-whelming freedom. I felt for the first time I really could do whatever I wanted and it was ok. I mean even things like travelling which my family before was really against, or getting an ear piercing or wanting to move away or even study science. All these things that I really wanted I couldn’t say I wanted out loud. I didn’t realize it then, but I realize it now, anyone that makes you walk such a fine line that you can’t even express yourself/ your desires is only giving you conditional love and in the end, it simply isn’t enough. You will always feel imperfect, you will always feel wrong, and it will twist your mind until you think that this is what you deserve and the only thing you will ever have. I still have some of these hang ups, I still feel like I’m not going to find someone that treats me really well. My first course of action though was to make room. I walked away from overpowering relationships and the ones that made me feel so inadequate. For those I didn’t altogether end, I built some walls and created some distance. This on paper seems really simple, but it hurts and it really stings in the moment. If it’s something you ever go through you are going to feel so vulnerable and broken and on the edge. However, it does really get better and it will in the right time. I did this and then looked at any friendships that I had that I could “grow.” What relationships did I have that were with healthy, positive people, that really cared about me? I looked and I found one, one really solid friend. It was enough of a start. I made a point of communicating more with this person and really letting them know what I wanted and you know, they wanted something similar and we started working on our relationship and it has been one of the most precious and important events in my life, really. Later on, I met someone else and they also are looking for relationships like I am, and we also forged a relationship and I feel like I have the healthiest most accepting and rewarding relationships I have ever had. We respect each other, we aren’t afraid to disagree, and we are not afraid to share our experiences or what we a really feeling. This will happen for you to, but you have to be really honest with yourself and these people. These are not easy people to find, but they are there. Be careful who you choose and take it slow, these relationships have a natural way of happening and progressing and they are the most rewarding you will have.

For two, I’ve learned a whole hell of a lot about manipulation and it’s scary how many manipulators I had in my life at one point. This is something therapy and my friends have really helped me with. Growing up I was manipulated with guilt and fear; if I said the wrong thing or someone had a bad day it would mean part of the house being destroyed, something broken, a wall needing to be patched, etc. If I said no to something or I did something they disagreed with I would be commenting an act of betrayal or the biggest offense for even the smallest of things. When my parents divorced there was a lot of lying, gas lighting and guilt. And then even later I had someone who was supposed to be a mentor start grooming me by guilt, through my education and job, and later absolute fear. Fortunately I got out of these relationships, but they still affect me today. My greatest fear and part of what got me into counselling was that I would never have healthy relationships and I wouldn’t be able to ever trust anyone again. I slowly realizing that this isn’t true, but in order to come to healthy place you have to leave these situations completely. You don’t just walk away, you purge. A complete separation and when you’re ready, you face them and deal with them so you really can start anew. I’m in the second to last phase and I’m looking forward to moving on now. I’m confident in my decisions and I’m working on my confidence in myself.

 For three, I understand that I have a lot of value as a person. My family has done some undeniably shitty things. I deserve the biggest apology they could ever give and I deserve respect. I haven’t received either of these, really ever and so I moved on. I’m not someone you can walk over or spit on and it be ok. The price of this is me and I’m simply not going to accept being treated this way. The beauty of adulthood is that now I get to choose. We are all adults at some point and we have the responsibility to be loving and respectful to those in our lives, we also have the responsibility to trim dead vines and take out the trash. Having dead things in our lives only takes up space for things that could really thrive in their place. To use a cheesy metaphor, let’s use a river. All pollution does is make weeds grow until the point the water can’t even run it just stagnates and becomes something terrible as well. I’m actually watching this happen with my siblings now and it is so sad. I’ve heard them say how unhappy they were in the same relationships and yet now? They are perpetuating more of the same and it is such a waste. Maybe if they had gotten out things could be different, but what you surround yourself will influence you and the people you choose are so, so important.

  I think I have ranted enough for one post, but I hope reading this has helped you in some way, it has helped me to share. Until next time!

But Life Went On

I sat down to write you a line,

But life went on.

Now you seem so unreal to me

a ghost flitting through my past,

in my heart,

in my mind.

You have this strange way of returning to me

It’s odd to think I don’t know you anymore

My dearest friend.

I’d hoped to see you again,

Go through life together,

But life went on.

Time turned the pages so fast our stories couldn’t stay in line,

But now and again I think of you

and it’s like you never left.

I remember those days sitting beside you

how no one understood me like you

our inside jokes, unbridled laughter.

What a friendship to miss.

But life went on.

We parted ways

Said out silent goodbyes

And I still can’t completely let you go.

But life will go on, it can’t sit still.

It hasn’t been the same without you

and it never will.

I’m sure you’ve gone on,

There’s much to do.

And some days, I’m sure you’ve forgotten me until,

I remember those days we used to fight….for fun!

The agreements we made,

How I understood you more than anyone,

Maybe that’s what scared you.

That trick you played to get my number,

How I pretended to fall for it.

And I realize I may be as much a part of you as you are of me

even as life goes on.

*also on WritersCafe.com http://www.writerscafe.org/manage/edit/1940296/*

-s.g.

Distance

It’s such a small world until you’re looking for someone specific.

Making Time Square with all her crowds
seem like an emptiness
as vast as the universe itself.
An arm’s length away feels like the farthest distance
when you’re wanting them to reach out to you
to even brush your hand.
Talking can be so easy, until it comes down to three words
How they stick in your throat
And hang in your mind.
And how much they can weigh down a simple
Hello.”
It seems like such a small world until I’m reaching for you.
-s.g

Glam Goth Decor Bathroom Addition

As I’ve talked about before I’ve been redoing my space. My favorite has been updating my bed room…I swear it’s almost done, just a few more paychecks and pieces to go 😉

What I have found to be an actual challenge is: How does someone make a glam/goth/minmalistish bathroom? Is this impossible? Let’s do it.

First I wanted to show you the fanciest piece.

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To achieve this all you need is :

1 mirror, I chose an octagon shape from Michael’s for $5-6.

1 skull shaped cup/jar I also got this from Michael’s, but you could get a skull shaped mason jar off of Amazon or Ebay and it would work just as well

2 boxes of the fake diamond fill (also from Michael’s) $5

1 rhinestone soap dispenser, I got mine from HomeGoods, but I’ve seen them at Bed, Bath and Beyond

1 black soap dispenser, this one is from Target and I use it for lotion 🙂

and the optional hand held mirror that I’ve had a long time and just repainted. Also, my all-black makeup brushes are also from Target and are Elf brand 😀 Personally, I love the eye shadow blender blush and the eyebrow one!!

Book Review #1 The Complete Stories by Franz Kafka

I remember my first introduction to Kafka, I was a senior in high school and had to read Metamorphosis which was weird, uncomfortable, and really dark. More than anything though, it was unique and utterly unforgettable.

During an adventure I took to Charleston, South Carolina (more on that later), I picked up his Complete Stories at the College of Charleston’s Barnes and Noble.

After one month, I finally finished it and my first thought was: “My head hurts.” I was spinning. His stories had a similar quality to James Joyce’s Dubliners (another must read in my opinion) in that they are all fast paced and some just seem to have abrupt endings with no real sense of closure. Kafka, however is able to make you feel the anxiety and racing thoughts he must have had. His stories have moments where they are really incoherent, ideas seem to run across the page, some lead to another, some don’t seem to lead to anything. Why read it then? Because he is able to let you into his mind and see his reality. Sure it isn’t probably isn’t yours and it isn’t mine, but he is able to show you around his world and make you feel what he felt and in this sense, I think he is a very gifted writer.

Would I suggest this as a casual tea-sipping Saturday read? Absolutely not. Nor do I think it is a good introductory piece into literature (maybe The Metamorphosis, A Country Doctor, and Investigations of a Dog are the exceptions). However, I would suggest it to the intermediate-advanced nerd (nerd is a loving term here). Especially if you like psychology (you can psychoanalyze Kafka for DAYS) and if you already have some experience reading drier material…Like Bram Stoker’s Dracula or Plato’s Republic.

 

Happy Reading!